maybe i'm not so awesome.

dear god,

why do nights of boozing always end up in shame? why does my stomach have endless amounts of mustard-yellow bile? why do i always feel some sense of regret, even when i've done nothing wrong? have i broken my spirit animal's soul? answer me, please - send me a message on facebook. just let me know what i can do to change the morning after.

i really hope that you'll give me some bomb ass advice, god, and i know you're supposed to be all-seeing and everywhere, but i'm sure you probably had better things to do than to keep an eye on me last night. so i thought i would share, in no particular order, some events for the evening so that you can be in the know and able to give me spot-on guidance. here goes:

1 - i accidently spat on schlomos mouth/chin after he chided me for fist bumping some white dude

2 - commander rainbow, who unfortunately i am going to have to break up with over my blog ...

segway: dear commander rainbow, it sure has been real, it sure has been fun. in fact it's been real fun, but we're just no good together. when we are together, trouble walks in our shadows. our minds become fuzzy. we end up making Very Bad Decisions. so, in an attempt to save my soul i suggest we part ways. so long, old friend.

... commander rainbow got molested and danced with drunk lesbians on ecstacy.

3 - i met jesse, the lead singer of eagles of death metal, gave him a hug and proceeded to speak in tongues from the language of deranged fan, ending my bout of diarrhea with the incorrect answer (ahem, small) to his question of "what's your size, baby!" admittedly, i thought he was asking about a t-shirt size, but clearly, that was not the case.

4 - commander rainbow slurping the dregs of some random man's almost finsihed drink, because a) they both liked the cramps and b) he offered it to her

5 - i scaled the wall at the fillmore to try to get out of the venue faster than everyone else, and convinced commander rainbow to pretend she would have to barf so people would let her through quicker. no one moved.

6 - i somehow lost my favorite puffy walking sleeping bag of a jacket. where are you, jacket?

7 - i barfed from about 7:15 to 8:30, and tried to hide it from jacob by turning on various water sources in the bathroom. helpful hint for barfers: that does not really help mask the sound of upchuck.

8 - i barfed out of my car on one of the side streets near amy wills' house. i think some of the local brothers thought that i was linda blair from the exorcist. they moved to the other side of the street.

9 - i barfed in my secret office at 360 22nd street. shhh. so secret.

10 - i feel like commander rainbow had a lot more shameful things that she did but really, looking at this list, it appears i outdid her.

i would also like to blame my drunkenness on work, because i have been working entirely too much, and got too excited when i went out and then inadvertently annhilated myself; rob, jj, and hunter, who hung out with me at the 500 club and saw my downward spiral and did nothing to stop it; getting old, because my total drink count was under 5, yet i somehow felt like i had drank a bottle of Early Times and the bar mats from whiskey thieves; and god. oh wait, that's you. i don't blame you, i need your help, and some answers, but mainly i would like for you to prevent me from devolving into a twat-faced barfing bulemic and prevent me from feeling immense shame.

i love you.

good night.