if your vagina could write ...

it would probably send a letter or email to the author of this blog, and confess all the terrible, terrible mistakes it has made. your nani would probably be saved from years of ineffective therapy and would find comfort in numbers as both it and you come to the realization that perhaps, just maybe, you really didn't bang the worst dude ever ...

mommy, can you teach me how to freak dance?

there very well might be a day when jacob says, "i've had it with you, you no good whore!" and shows me the door. and when that day comes, what will i do? i could get some bad plastic surgery, act like a coked-out nincompoop and troll the marina for some douchebag to call my own, or i could hit up the temple and learn to grind. for a quick lesson on freak dancing, apparently all you need to do is dance near a person you want to grind with and then dance with your hips together, taking care to bend your knees so that the bottom of your stomach gets the, uh, most friction. my favorite part about this article is the warning for men, which states: The person dancing in the rear should not keep a cell phone or wallet in a front pocket – girls may get the wrong idea. Move your phone to your back pocket. HA!

no one reads my blog but me.

today tony asked me why i haven't shared my blog with the world. and the truth is i'm scared and a pussy. that's pretty much why.

i guess it could be worse ...

so, i found out that 100 feral animals took over a mobile home today in temecula. where are you temecula, st. francis of the assisi would like to come visit. how do things get so bad that you allow 100 feral animals to cohabitate with you? i guess things are already bad if you are in a mobile home. maybe this is what happens to people that drink too much. they lose their friends and live in filth ... whoa! a sad, dim lightbulb went off in my head. maybe this is MY future. i shudder in horror.

i'm a gigantic failure

well, that cleanse lasted less than one day. say what you will, and i'll probably agree - i am a complete and utter failure with no will power. but i beg of you to try to drink senna tea and then 32 ounces of a "salt water flush" - you tell me how long you can last. scary shit will come out of your ass - the exorcist and the shining have nothing on what's hiding in your colon.

maybe 2009 is about acceptance. acceptance of the fact that i like fatty foods, booze drinks and many other things that are bad for you. if that is the case then maybe i'm a huge success for recognizing it.

time goes by slow ...

when you don't eat. it's a new year, and like several other ambitious people (also known as suckers) i'm trying to cleanse my mind and body. it's probably a good thing seeing as how i destroyed it in december. things that might come out of my ass tomorrow morning include an entire turkey, random pills from breakfast of champions and perhaps a marble. maybe i'll do a triptych entitled "three days of colonic sludge." it'll be a one-two punch for my new years resolutions - get healthy and embrace the arts.