a subtle end to oversharing.

so, i really battled with this blog entry. did i want to write it, because although it might be funny, it might incriminate colleagues and friends and i don't want to be in the business of publickly shaming people, unless they really, really deserve it. the orignal post was going to be about inappropriate topics discussed in the work place - bladder infections, gas, accidently waking up naked next to your brother. i basically had an ethical dilemma on my hands - do i make people laugh if it means others will cry?!?! ho man, i took WEEKS thinking about whether this was cool to write and i decided it wasn't, really.

but today, on my way back from whole foods, heather and amy came up with this fantastic idea - which is to create a diorama (shadowbox!) about oversharing at work. it could be a tool to teach others what topics aren't really cool to talk about over sandwiches and side salads. capturing uncomfortable moments by using a 3D snapshot of awesomeness and then anonymously delivering them to the culprit might be the most pure act of kindness i could endow. plus it'd be fun to do when i'm stoned - making the diorama, that is.

for example, to represent the time i was told that a colleage had a particularly "heavy flow," i'd use an o.b. tampon and paint a little face on it - maybe dress it up real nice in a paper doll dress - to represent my friend ... and then i'd make the shadow box look like our office kitchen - or maybe just like the Office, because that would be funny. i'd soak half of the o.b. in ketchup and paint a little puddle under it in nail polish. i'd have a bunch of little tampon people hiding in the corner, and i'd make little word bubbles come out of their mouths saying stuff like "ew" or "uncool" or "guess i don't want to eat my soup anymore." then i'd put a bow on the diorama and leave it on said colleages desk, or maybe put it up for auction on ebay and send my coworker the link. it'd be mysterious, but to the point. effective, yet considerate. a management holy grail, if you will - a power tool when i am otherwise powerless. yeah. dioramas. gonna get right on that!

my horn can pierce the sky

i found what i want for christmas - it's princess unicorn!


"Princess Unicorn, the most beautiful in all the land.
Grab her wand and let your imagination soar.
Unlock the magic of Princess Unicorn"

but even more awesome than the fact you can pick a caucasion OR african american Princess Unicorn are these people. maybe one day I can friend all of them on the Facebook. actually, that's my xmas wish - to meet more people with horns implanted on their foreheads - at least it is today.

musings on a zit named frank ...

in 2002 or thereabouts, my chin started to hurt. it was a dull, deep pain that ended up growing into an incredibly large and painful zit. it wasn't an ordinary pimple - there wasn't any whitehead oozing with pus or a blackhead hinting at burrowed dirtiness. there was just this really big, really painful thing squatting on my fucking chin. and, there was no way to hide this growth. no amount of cover up could make this mountain disappear.

did i mention i was about 26 when this happened? it was not like i was approaching puberty, with waves of new hormones crashing through my body. it was like a cruel joke that someone was playing on me. i basically had a second head growing out of my chin. for all i knew it was a dermoid cyst, full of teeth and hair, or a parasitic twin that would be born from below my mouth.

oh, and i was also single at this time, so it was totally 100% awesome trying to meet guys while looking like a confused cousin of rudolph the red-nosed reindeer. while i don't really have a rack to stare at anyway, each prospective male piece of ass would have his eyes wander downward ... right to the large zit on my face.

after a week, the zit was still there, so i decided to embrace it and welcome it into my life. i couldn't really evict it from the real estate that was my face - that would involve really unhygenic self-surgery that could result in scarring. i don't know why i didn't go to a dermatologist and get the thing blasted with cortazone - anyway, all that is besides the point - i ended up naming my zit. i named him frank.

frank hung around for a while back in the early 2000s, and often comes back to visit. sometimes he'll send his cousin, francine, whose smaller and less cystic - either way, they are both usually unwelcome. actually, i can't think of any ideal time for him to post up on my chin ... he's quite a pest, that frank.

so, the latest on sir frank is that he's elected to spend the holidays with me - unannounced, as per usual. it's kind of uncomfortable, rude, and inconvenient. it limits my ability to wear slutastic red lipstick or to draw attention to my otherwise stately chin area. i'm sort of questioning if i should extend the holiday spirit to include blemishes and allow him to stay, or if i should put an end to his casual encounters with my face forever via a bottle of antibiotics. i wonder if i'd have phantom pains once frank is gone ...

5 hobbies I'm taking up ...

... now that I'm 100% sober.

1. religious needlepoint - first project to focus on animals boarding noah's ark. i plan to have two unicorns trailing the line up smoking a joint. do they make the ark? only those who believe know the real answer.

2. indoor pistol shooting.

3. elephant training or beekeeping - whichever one better conveys the fact that i am a badass motherfucker not afraid of danger.

4 - live action role playing, weather permitting. i will find like-minded gamers and meet on hippie hill. we'll break free of the chains that our computers have placed on us.

5. train spotting. i'll be somewhere along the n line.